Archive for March, 2008

If the TV Show Cops and Punk’d had kids, do you think it would be something like this?  The whole thing was staged by 18 year old Dustin Zebro. I like the cut of this kid’s jib. From the article “he staged the party after friends at D.C. Everest High School got suspended from sports because of pictures showing them drinking from red cups.” Good stuff.

Since this is 2008, there is a youtube clip. The audio is really loud so you might want to adjust your speakers.

Spray Butter Zero Calories Debunked

Posted: March 25, 2008 in food

I love spray butter. The zero calories on the side says it all. If I can save calories on the small things to enjoy the big things, I’m all over it. I was always skeptical on how it could be 0 calories, but now I know why. Apparently each spray is .9 calories. So why aren’t these companies getting in trouble for misleading the public consumer? The FDA actually allows companies to round down when compiling the information. So each spray is really 1 calorie and not the ultimate diet staple I was led to believe.

Oh yeah, that royal with cheese (Double Quarter Pounder for those who have never seen Pulp Fiction – get with it people!) at McDonald’s? it’s probably 741 calories, not 740. 🙂

West Virginia just finished waxing dook in the NCAA tournament. Here are the top ten excuses or statements that will be overheard as to why they lost

  1. WVU is more of a 3 seed
  2. coach k had the flu
  3. dook is a young team
  4. dook overachieved this year anyway
  5. dook doesn’t have the talent they used to. *note: dook has 8 McDonald’s All-Americans*
  6. k did a great job with the kids he had to work with
  7. the 3 ball just wasn’t dropping for them this game
  8. it’s not unexpected – dook has only gotten past the sweet 16 once in the past 7 years
  9. It was a valiant effort, WVU just wanted it much more
  10. dook didn’t have the size of talent as WVU

Got any other excuses you can think of? I know the one excuse you won’t hear as to why they lose:

When you are as reliant on the 3 point shot as much as dook  is, you are going to lose. One dimensional teams do not succeed in the tournament.

Here is a clip from the new move Drillbit Taylor starring your favorite cry for help actor Owen Wilson. I want to see this movie not only because it was written by the current Mr. Hollywood Seth Rogen, but I’m a sucker for adolescent humor (or crude humor, or politically incorrect humor, or just humor in general).

 I’m pretty sure this skit is a deja vu of my childhood. I remember a few punches back in the day.

This is my open letter to ESPN

To whom it may concern – I tuned in to your channel(s) to watch the ACC Tournament. I was shocked to witness what I think is the most appalling, ludicrous, and idiotic marketing in the history of the world. This goes beyond the New Coke fiasco of the 1980s. It is even worse than any local furniture company commercials that buy TV time slots. I am talking about Opera Steve.

As this atrocity is so vile and heinous, I am unable to find the right words to truly label this event. Somewhere in your marketing department, a series of paid employees green lighted Operation: Opera Steve. I have a few thoughts I’d like to express to you. Please take this as constructive criticism. Your offering is currently better than Fox Sports, but that’s not really saying much.1. If it takes someone searching the internet (no not  googling) to figure out who is making these shrieks that are on par with the sounds of the alien in Aliens, this may not be the best idea.2. Just because said “musical talent” has a MySpace page, does not in fact make them cool or accepting with your younger audience.3. Dressing up this “talent” in a basketball jersey and repeating the names of the teams playing in a microphone does not make it hip.4. Rap, Opera, and college sports do not mix. Ever. Period.5. “Opera Steve” is neither a talent nor a fad. You have to be good to be either. In summary, I will say that the commentators and production quality of the game far outweighs what the regional  viewers are forced to watch (Yes RayComm, you suck). However, the fact that I am unable to keep food down after commercial breaks does not make me enjoy your product. In the future, may I suggest sticking with current or past game highlights,  or avoiding all marketing outside of the fly-in ACC Tournament logo. Thanks,ThomasPS – please get rid of ESPN Insider. Paying for content is a joke, and your site is littered with enough advertising that you shouldn’t need this extra income.

I think every boy growing up wants to be a crime fighter. They dream of chasing bad guys and punching them with a classic POW! sound. Or maybe you were one of those weenie boys and wanted to shoot people with your web (wuss). Either way, you grew up knowing that crime was bad. Well on Wednesday I actually got my chance to dish out some vigilante justice. I’ve told this story several times now, and I figured it was good enough to blog. Who says analysts can’t start sh*t?

Around 1:30pm on Wednesday, I went over to my coworker’s cube where we were about to go celebrate another worker’s birthday. I’m talking with my buddy Kyle and two other coworkers (I’ll keep them anonymous to be safe) happen to look out the window and witness this late teen, early twenties kid walking across the parking deck beside our building. Well, we made jokes that he was going to smoke pot, considering we see people do it all the time. {sidenote: you potheads aren’t hiding from anyone by smoking on top of a parking deck or on the stairwell}. We notice this guy walking to the stairs and he’s casually looking at the cars.  We all look at each other and make comments like “that’s weird” and what not.

He proceeds to walk down the stairs, but doesn’t go past the third floor. At this point we are all looking at each  other like “WTF.” We then see him go between one of the cars, attempt to open the door, then went to the passenger side. At this time I was 98% sure he was breaking into the car, but it was really surreal. Next thing I know he pulls an object out and smashes the window. At this point, I turn to Kyle and said “let’s go get him” and told the others to call 911. I don’t think Kyle thought I was serious.

So here we both go, hauling ass through our building. I’m pretty sure we freaked out a bunch of people when it looked like I was running for my life with Kyle in close pursuit. I believe the words “Well,  Thomas finally got to Kyle” were uttered. We run down 4 flights of stairs, across the building and then out the front. I yell to the receptionist to call 911 and someone is breaking into a car. We run into 2 other coworkers (names withheld) and tell them to follow us as we run up another 3 flights of stairs.

Now, I’m going to break from this story and make a few comments. One, I am not in shape. This is by far the most excercise i’ve gotten since my 10 mile mountain bike adventure, ironically which was with Kyle. Two, there are 3 possible  “emergency” people to call when at my work – mall security, company security, and the police. Mall security is a joke, company security is a series of old retired men, and the police have nothing better to do in this town then give out driving citations. I know I said call 911, and they were called eventually, but weren’t the first ones called. Three, I am not in shape. I want to make sure that is clear. by the time I get to the car, i have ran 7 flights of steps, and about 100 yards.

We get to the car,  see the window is busted, and split up. I went down to the second floor thinking we could cover the floors and find him. I’m already sucking wind at this point when I hear someone yell. Well, I took off to the far corner where another staircase is. I then see the guy running down them and I keep up the chase. as I round the final flight of steps (I’ll call this an even 10 now ;)), I see a big ass Rambo style Survival knife on the landing, which I can only assume is his.

The guy has about a 60-70 yard start on me and he goes around Bed, Bath & Beyond. I decide to go around the other way,  walking briskly to a)catch my breath and b)not look like I’m chasing him. I get to the other side of BBB and see he is still 60 yards away and has crossed the road and railroad tracks to a little shopping mall. I see a lady walking and ask her for her cell phone to call 911.She tells me “I don’t have one.” Now, I ask you, who the hell in redmond doesn’t have a cellphone? I would have mine, except that it’s in my jacket at my office. Anyway, I cross the tracks and by this time Kyle has caught up. We split up to find the guy. I even went to a McDonald’s to find this guy. Not to go off on a tangent, but I don’t go to McDonald’s. I haven’t had McDonald’s in over 8 years and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve walked into one since. This is how bad I wanted to catch this guy.

To cut the story off, we didn’t catch him. Went back to the parking lot and the cops are there. the other two were talking with the cops and giving a description. Ended up filing a statment, and even went for a ride with one as they had a suspect in custody. Unfortunately it wasn’t him. In hindsight, we could have done things differently to catch the guy, but it’s not everyday you get into these situations. The question that always comes up is “what would you have done if you caught up to him?” My answer varies, but essentially I would have tried my best to detain him. Now, if i could do that by sitting on him then great. If I needed to spear him Goldberg style and unleash a series of hammer punches to his skull, I would have done that as well.

Kyle and I got an email from the poor lady whose car was broken into. She couldn’t figure out what was appealing to the burglar as she had the typical valuables on her (phone, wallet, laptop, etc). She thanked us and I replied that there was no need – I simply didn’t want to go to my meeting and chasing some fool was better than sitting in my cube.

If I had to put a spin on this story it would be this – don’t leave your valuables in your car, even chargers mean something appealing like a phone or GPS could be under a seat. I’d also say to possible car prowlers in the Redmond Towne Center area – Don’t think because we sit all day and play with Excel we won’t come chase down and beat your ass if you F with our S.  

I’m filing this one under humor, especially since the past 2 days my body has been sore and bones have been snap, crackle, and popping like a bowl of Rice Krispies.

File This Under I Told You So

Posted: March 8, 2008 in business
Tags: ,

Do you know friends and family who upon hearing you have a cold reply “You need to take Airborne. It fights off colds!” I always dismiss them, with my first response being “Yeah I don’t think I’m gonna put my health in the hands of a wannabe doctor who is a teacher.” My other response is that the product is nothing but snakeoil – a fizzy water that tastes bad. Well, according to this lawsuit others agree. Seems the makers of Airborne have agreed to a 23.3 million dollar settlement for false advertising. I’d just like to say to everyone I told you so!

Of course, Airborne  admits no wrong doing, even though now they advertise themselves as immune boosters and not some miracle chalk pill. If you’ve been swindled by Airborne, there will be a claim to which you can get some money back. Of course, you will still live with the fact you paid $10 to drink a nasty fizzy drink.